


pretending (for a moment)

by djarindin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:08:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djarindin/pseuds/djarindin
Summary: you have heavy and unexpected news. not knowing how to break it to him, you don’t.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Reader, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	pretending (for a moment)

**Author's Note:**

> warnings; mentions pregnancy, mentions sex and a sexual relationship, smidge of language, lots of angst.  
> a/n; re-writing, re-editing, and reposting fics from my deactivated account on tumblr and ao3. i am not stealing work! embarrassingly enough, but also not, this fic is inspired by the song pretending by glee.  
> edit 9/11/2020: this fic is posted on tumblr, however it’s a commander cody fic rather than obi wan.

it’s unspoken.

unreciprocated.

just for a moment, you imagine this differently.

just for a moment, you pretend you can have this.

 _this_ \- a relationship. _with him_.

this - being able to tell the news. upon hearing, his grin stretches from ear to ear, hugging you tightly, lovingly, pressing kisses all over your face and beaming. being happy about the news.

…you’re surprised at how easy it is for you to pretend.

pretend you and obi wan are in love. (pretend he’ll take the news well; the way you _want_ him to take the news).

pretend he reciprocates your feelings.

pretend that everything means so much _more_.

gentle touches; the ones where he walks past you he caresses your arm with his calloused fingertips so softly, so carefully (as if you are of glass, precious to him), you think you could _melt_. the ones that start from the mid upper arm and trail to your fingertips, intertwining your hands together and giving a small loving squeeze before letting go. the ones where you can feel the tingling sensations that follow his wake. and even when he walks past and shoots you a small smile, you can still feel the _burn_ of his touch.

his hands curling in your (h/c) tresses as he kisses you. hushed ‘i love you’s’ whispered against one another’s lips and the smiles spread across both of your faces. the smiles where you can _feel_ against your lips. obi wan wrapping his arms around your middle tightly, face buried in your neck, breathing in your scent, as if he’s trying to remember you and not let go.

as if you’re his lifeline. the one thing in his life that means something to him. the most important in his world.

but… it’s all pretend.

you want nothing more than for it to be reality.

you hate that it’s so easy for you to pretend - that this could happen, just _maybe_ \- you want to pretend for a moment longer.

just for a moment.

when there’s good, there’s bad.

you remember the time you were absolutely shit face and murmured three words (words you hold so sacred). when morning rolled around, he told you the exact opposite of what you mumbled in the early hours. “it’s not the jedi way. what we have — it’s sexual, not emotional. it’ll _never_ be emotional.” you remember sobering up quickly, the absolute dread sinking deep into your chest and spreading throughout. the heartache - your heart cracking into a million pieces from the rejection, from the emphasis on how your relationship will never be emotional. (“this is strictly sexual, _nothing else_ ”).

you remember the amount of times obi wan reminded you you two aren’t in love, will never be in love. reminded you there’s no romantic involvement - an agreement of sex. always a reminder before pushing you on the bed and hovering over you, resuming kissing from beforehand. (you convince yourself he wasn’t constantly reminding to hurt you; just reminding _you could never love him_ and _he can’t fall in love - can’t have attachments_ ).

every time the words slipped out of his mouth, the reminder, it took everything in you to not break - not fall apart. to try and stop chasing after something you could never have. something that could never happen. something that isn’t reciprocated.

“i - ” you begin, cutting yourself off abruptly before the words can escape you. _i’m pregnant and i’m in love with you. i’m pregnant and the child is yours, and i want you to stay. please, stay. i’m pregnant and want to raise this child together; to have it be our child. i’m pregnant and i know you don’t love me, but please, just for a moment, pretend that you do. i’m pregnant and i want you to leave the order and start a life with me._

yet, nothing sounds _good enough_.

“i’m pregnant.” you eventually settle with the two simple words. the words that slip out and hang around in the air, floating - make it seem as if time has stopped, everything paused. eerily silent.

only the two of you in the universe.

yet… it’s uncomfortable. it’s not you two against the universe. it’s you two against each other.

you see the unease on obi wan’s face. the alarm. the horror. the downright fear. (you _utterly_ hate him in this moment. he’s never once showed emotion around you, _at_ you, and now this? he couldn’t at least pretend to hide it? couldn’t pretend to not show the considerable amount of pain and horror)? the emotion at you absolutely destroys you - makes your heart bleed out in pain. it hurts you, more so than you can imagine. because he doesn’t want this. because this whole time you were chasing after him, you thought there might’ve been a sliver of chance for you two, a sliver of hope that just maybe, he loved you. but he doesn’t. and he never will.

you look away, dropping your gaze to the ground and staring at the floor.

you look away from obi wan’s gaze (and don’t notice the excitement and happiness that flickers in his eyes _for just a moment_ before it’s replaced with fright because oh my god what the kriff is he supposed to do)?

you take a deep shuddering breath, trying to ground yourself as much as you can in the moment.

you refuse to beg. you refuse to beg him to stay. to help you. to love you. because as much as you love him, you don’t want to hear any empty promises. because you know you’ll always be in love with obi wan. that you’ll always love obi wan. but you won’t beg for his love. you won’t beg for him to stay.

because you know, obi wan has taken everything else you had to give.

you won’t let it be this.

and you know. you know what you’re saying shouldn’t be possible. you two were always careful. you even went on birth control, just for him, for god’s sake (you try not to remember that conversation; that one makes your heart ache a little more than the others).

and just like before, you pretend just for a moment that obi-wan would leave the jedi order for you. that you could both live happy lives together on a remote planet (you’re thinking maybe naboo or tatooine or even his home planet, stewjon) and start a family, be lovers.

just for a moment you let yourself pretend that not only will you be breaking your heart, but you’ll also be breaking his.

because you know obi wan would never leave the jedi order for you. you know that for all that you love him, it isn’t enough to make him stay. he would never leave the jedi order for love. he would never leave for you. “you have nothing to worry about,” you say, and you want to hurt obi wan just as much as he hurt you. you ignore what that says about you as a person. “it’s not yours.”

you turn around and don’t bother sparing obi wan a glance; you know it’d be too painful. so you walk out of the door and never plan on coming back.

all moments, pretend or not, must end.


End file.
